6 Steps for Mending a Politically Strained Relationship

Have political tensions hurt your relationship with a friend, family member, colleague, or acquaintance? Are you angry at them, or are they angry at you? Or both?

You’re not alone. Nearly one in five Americans say politics has harmed a close relationship. 

As a follow-up to the Polarization Detox Challenge, conflict resolution professional and our expert-in-residence Peter T. Coleman put together a short guide for mending politically strained relationships. This exercise culminates in taking a walk with the person you want to reconnect with.

And as Peter told us, “This worked for me!” In a 2022 piece for Time, he wrote about going for a walk with a neighbor who had very different political views — and connected this to the question of how we heal our larger divides. 

So here are the steps for mending a politically frayed relationship.

Step 1: Get clear on what you hope to achieve

We live most of our lives on auto-pilot, simply reacting to things. This activity, though, will require a little thinking and preparation. 

Start by completing this reflection exercise. It will help you clarify your intentions and goals for your walk-and-talk with your friend or relative. One obvious goal is to repair the tension in your relationship, but you may have others; for example, you may want to get up-to-speed with what’s going on in their life. 

Step 2: Ask them for a walk

Ask your acquaintance if they’d be willing to go for a walk with you in a few days. It’s best if this is a side-by-side walk lasting at least 45 minutes. And, ideally, you’d do this walk outside in nature during daylight. 

The choice of a walk isn’t arbitrary! Science suggests engaging in joint movement together helps bond us.

Step 3: Check your assumptions beforehand

Today a major driver of political animosity is that many of us have distorted perceptions of each other. We often have large “perception gaps”: big differences in what we think people on the “other side” believe and what they actually believe. We often assume we know what’s driving others’ behaviors, but we’re often wrong — and that serves to divide us further. 

To help you consider how your assumptions might be wrong, take this Perception Gap quiz and review the findings. 

Step 4: Aim to open a dialogue, not win a debate

Many of us jump into politically charged conversations by trying to debate and win arguments, which usually ramps up tensions. For this walk, you’ll aim for dialogue, not debate. 

To understand the differences between dialogue and debate, review this chart. In short, dialogue involves learning about the other person and their reasonings instead of trying to score points and “win.” 

Step 5: Conjure your best self

Research tells us that our social models (people we admire and emulate) often have a quiet but profound influence on us. Ask yourself, “Who is the best person I know who shows tolerance and compassion in difficult situations? What is it about this person that allows them to do so?” Consider reaching out to that person and asking for their advice. 

Think about how you might respond to irritations in the ways they do. Considering this will help when you walk with your acquaintance — and help more broadly in your life. 

Step 6: Take the walk and ride the wave

When you get together for your walk, thank your acquaintance for coming. While walking, begin sharing — one person at a time — how you’re doing these days, and what highs and lows you’re experiencing. For now, avoid the issues that divide you. If they arise, just listen to your acquaintance and focus on the social connection. 

After you break the ice and feel sufficiently at ease, ask them if they’d be up for explaining why they hold a political position that’s divided you. (Asking people to explain a position has been found to reduce toxicity in interactions.)

Don’t challenge or interrogate them; just hear them out and allow them to talk fully through their thinking. They may expect you to debate and challenge them, but don’t do that; just try to understand. If you let them talk it out more, they may begin to share some of their areas of uncertainty — and this will make it easier for you both to discuss the issue with more nuance. 

Let it flow and see where the conversation goes. 

What’s next? 

On its own, this exercise won’t be enough to mend a strained relationship. The more deep-rooted the divide is values-wise, the more difficult mending it will be. Think of this as a reset — a new beginning. 

If you thought it went well, thank your acquaintance for joining you and ask them if they’d be up for walking with you again.

If you found this helpful, consider taking the Polarization Detox Challenge!