“You Want Us to Compromise With Those Extremists?”: A Common Objection to This Work

People in America working to overcome toxic polarization and the toxic us vs. them mindset are often met with the same criticism: “Isn’t asking everyone to ‘meet in the middle’ normalizing extreme or harmful viewpoints? What about violent hate groups? Should we engage with them?”

It’s sometimes assumed that depolarization movements value unity above everything else, and they just want “everyone to get along” or compromise, no matter how unreasonable one position may be. 

This couldn’t be further from the truth. That is not our work.

We are not trying to “meet in the middle” or ask anyone to negotiate with ideas they view as extreme or dangerous. Starts With Us also is not a movement specifically for moderates or centrists, either. 

We are encouraging an examination of how we view our political opponents and how we engage with them.

For one thing, many of us are just plain wrong about what we think the “other side” believes and what motivates them. Research shows that our views of our fellow citizens can be overly pessimistic: we imagine the “other side” to be more extreme and hostile than they are. Many of us have a distorted idea of how likely our political opponents are to support political violence. 

This is why attempting outreach and dialogue with our political opponents is important. It allows us to learn if we are mistaken, and by how much, about the “other side.” We may see aspects of their motivations we didn’t know about, which make their views more human and comprehensible — even if we disagree with them. 

Because the views of our political opponents are often so distorted, we behave in ways that amplify our divides. We insult them, dehumanize them, don’t take their concerns seriously, or see them as disingenuous liars. And this bolsters their beliefs that we hate them and feeds their animosity. These dynamics give power to divisive people and ideas, making angry, insulting, and even violent behaviors more likely, feeding a vicious cycle of division.

There is even evidence that our animosity, due to the us vs. them conflict, can play a role in shifting our stances on various issues. If we hate the other side, then we’ll try to be and act as opposite of them as we can, which, in turn, makes us more hardened in our views and less willing to compromise. When you have high contempt for the other side, then you’ll see more and more political disagreements as highly moral in nature and become less willing to see others’ points of view and, in turn, become less willing to compromise. So, in these ways, our contempt and animosity build walls and isolate us, which are some of the very dynamics and behaviors that upset us.

Abraham Lincoln understood the importance of not demonizing his opponents or indulging in abusive stereotypes. He was careful not to treat his opponents as less than human or too depraved and delusional to try to understand. 

“We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature. Have I not destroyed my enemy when I have made him into my friend?” 

It’s easy to imagine a world where Lincoln didn’t follow his own advice — a world where he spoke in insulting and divisive ways and, in doing so, made it harder for him to achieve his goals. We can see how such approaches aren’t only for resolving conflict but also effective strategies for achieving lasting change. 

We can be confident that “we’re right” yet still be wrong in how we engage with our “enemies.” It’s possible to work toward your political goals while keeping in mind the complexity and humanity of the “other side” and while trying to speak humbly and persuasively. 

Democracy is hard work — it often requires many people to abide by laws and policies they think are wrong. Part of that work is recognizing that the people we greatly disagree with are not going away — they are our fellow citizens, for better or worse.

At Starts With Us, we are guided by the 3Cs (curiosity, compassion, and courage) to help politically passionate people engage in dialogue and search for understanding and connection across differences. With these powerful tools, we can create an America that is both more peaceful and more just.