3 Tips for Keeping Thanksgiving Talks Tension-Free

No need to belabor the obvious: Emotions are high and many of us are dreading talking politics during the holidays. Some of us will cut our holiday gatherings short due to stress and anger — and some of us will even skip a gathering altogether. 

We’re here to help! Here are three tips for healthier, more productive holiday conversations. (And let us know what you thought with the survey at the end.) 

Tip #1: Don’t try to change people’s minds

We all know there won’t be much changing of political stances this holiday season. But talking politics isn’t just about changing minds and winning debates. It’s about helping others see where we’re coming from. It’s about showcasing our rationality and our humanity. 

It’s also about connecting with each other over our commonalities. That’s right — however hard it may be to see that right now, we ALL have things in common with each other.

It’s also about helping us understand others. Approaching our “opponents” with openness and curiosity helps us see that they aren’t crazy — they have rational and defensible concerns (which we can see even if we think they’re wrong).

Most people get defensive when they think someone is trying to change their mind. To defuse tension, you can say upfront: “I’m not trying to change your mind; I just want you to know why I think what I do,” or “I’m not trying to change your mind, I genuinely want to understand your point of view better.” 

We’ll find that understanding opens up more room for productive and less team-based disagreements, and creative compromises more people can live with. Approaching conversations this way is one small shift in the culture we can influence in our personal lives. 

Tip #2: Focus on core concerns (and less on specific points)

Often, a talk about politics turns into nitpicking other people’s granular points, which leads to unproductive arguing over minutiae. 

Instead, focus on the other person’s underlying concerns. Often, other people’s high-level concerns are much easier for us to understand than specific, granular pieces of information. 

We can do the same for our views: If someone disagrees about specific points, you might ask, “Can you understand my overall concerns — even as we disagree about specific points?”

(For more, read Amanda Ripley’s thoughts about understanding people’s “understory” when in conflict.) 

Tip #3: Talk less about issues and more about our divides 

Sometimes, talking about specific issues might be too contentious and anger-inducing. In that case, you might try pivoting the discussion to the broader issue of our divides. 

We know many Americans agree there’s far too much toxicity and contempt. That may be an area where you can find some productive common ground — while also laying the groundwork for calmer conversations on specific issues at another time. 

Some conversational ideas: 

• Research shows criticism of one’s group can lower anger. Talk about things on “your side” that you’ve seen as divisive or unreasonable. This may prompt others to do the same. 
• Mention traits or decisions you respect them or their political group for.  
• Talk about how you think Americans see each other in far too pessimistic ways, and how we should try to see each other’s better qualities. 

If they agree there’s too much toxicity, ask them if they’d be willing to sign up for our newsletter. Our work might be a less contentious political topic you could discuss at future gatherings. 

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